The success of Columbo as a show is due in no small measure to the sheer likability of a large proportion of its characters.
The Lieutenant himself is inherently lovable, being a man of principles driven by a desire to see justice done in a world where the rich and famous think themselves above the law. But the excellence of the writing even gave us an abundance of murderers whom we could really like and quietly root for – in spite of their crimes.
And on top of that, there were dozens of supporting stars that won our hearts – the fabulous Goldie, the noble Ned Diamond, and Columbo’s ever-faithful Dog chief amongst them. Some of these great roles had only a few minutes of screen time but managed to create a lasting impression on the minds of millions of viewers.
Less frequent, but no less memorable, are characters on the reverse side of the coin: those that make our skin crawl through their words and actions and who – by accident or design – we can’t wait to see the back of. From squealing alcoholics and office busybodies to gurning simpletons and self-obsessed fools, we encounter more than a few exasperating companions on our Columbo journey – and it is that group of characters I’m focussing on today.
Below, you’ll find chronicled my thoughts on the most annoying Columbo characters of the 70s. However, please be assured that my finding these characters irritating on-screen doesn’t mean I don’t rate the actors’ performances. It can take great talent to be this annoying. I’ve also limited this list to the show’s classic era (1968-78) because otherwise it would be filled with hateful dunderheads from the 80s/90s, such as Darlene the Mermaid (Murder of a Rock Star), sex pest Charlie Lenz (Sex and the Married Detective) and the entire cast of Murder in Malibu. Ain’t nobody got the energy for that…
NB – If you’re expecting to see vociferous housekeeper Mrs Peck on this list, you’re in for disappointment. Because I rate Jeanette Nolan’s performance so highly, I have nothing but love for the Peckster. You’ll find her on this list of awesome Columbo supporting stars instead. Similarly, there’s no space for bewigged bellower, Jarvis Goodland. His manner can be grating, but he’s so good at delivering stinging put-downs that I just couldn’t justify his inclusion.
Now it’s time to dive in and see how closely your thoughts tarry with mine. Please note that these are listed in no particular order except the last entry – who is in my opinion by some distance the most annoying Columbo character of them all.
Miss Sherman – Blueprint for Murder
“Miss Sherman, is your voice grievously prissy?” “Yes, it is.” “Is your officious manner irksome to viewers?” “Yes, it is.” “Is your personality absolutely devoid of humour?” “Yes, it is.” “Is your face permanently set in a scowl?” “Yes, it is.” “Is ‘Yes, it is‘ the only thing you can say?” “Yes, it is.“
I think I’ve made my point.
Tony Goodland – The Greenhouse Jungle
When looking at Tony Goodland’s expressionless visage, one gets the impression he knows characteristics such as ‘common sense’ and ‘self-preservation’ by reputation only, as he certainly doesn’t possess so much as an ounce of either.
Like a simple-minded child, Tony willingly walks into a trap cooked up by his wicked uncle Jarvis that will rob him of both his riches and his life – and at no stage does he suspect foul play until the very moment Jarvis fires the gun to end his wretched life. Tony died as he lived: with a look of docile incomprehension on his face. It’s hard to pity such an irritating fool.
Joanna Clay – Last Salute to the Commodore
The most alcoholic of the many alcoholic housewives of Columbo, Joanna Clay lurches from hangovers to drunken squealing fits more times in one episode than many livers are forced to put up with in a lifetime. An incoherent, raving SHAMBLES, Joanna is hated by her father and husband, and scorned by everyone else for her infuriating histrionics – which I suspect raise the heckles of a high percentage of viewers.
I squirm with embarrassment for Diane Baker having to play the role of such a train-wreck, but also marvel at her abilities in committing so fully to the role. Either she’s the best actress the show has ever seen, or she was absolutely smashed in every scene she filmed.
Captain Gibbon – Troubled Waters
For a man sporting shorts and knee-length socks, and who skippers a pleasure liner rather than a warship, Captain Gibbon has an awfully high opinion of himself – and his surly, obstructive demeanour towards Columbo (who is giving up his holiday time to help investigate the death of singer Rosanna Wells) quietly makes him one of the series’ most grating presences.
Just lose the ‘tude, dude, and start caring more about a grisly murder taking place on your watch than whether a well-meaning detective says ‘boat’ instead of ‘ship’. If I were Columbo I’d have had Gibbon clapped in irons, flung in the brig and placed on a diet of hardtack and swill for the rest of the journey. How else will he learn?
Angela the book store clerk – The Conspirators
She may look like, well, a stereotypical book store clerk, but underneath the all-beige ensemble is a wanton temptress whose romantic interests undoubtedly run to the exotic.
After winking and suggestively gesturing at a window-shopping Columbo, the minx tries to tempt him into parting with $55 for a sexy book he’s been eyeing – even hinting that such a bold purchase would score him brownie points with his wife. After the detective leaves, our Ange casually flips through the same book, doubtless squirrelling away some inspiration for later contemplation.
Perhaps it’s the introvert in me, but Angela’s smart aleck demeanour and knowing, in-yer-face leering trigger my fight-or-flight reflex. If I were to encounter such a clerk when next browsing the shelves at Dymock’s I’d be galloping out the door before you can say “erotic art”.
Swanny – Last Salute to the Commodore
The all-singing, all-joking, ivory-tinkling Swanny is highly skilled… AT GOOFING OFF! In all seriousness, he’s the kind of guy I could really dig… A GRAVE FOR! Yes folks, Swanny Swanson is a fiendishly annoying berk from a fiendishly annoying Columbo episode. It would have been better for everyone if he’d drowned aboard his mini Titanic in the episode’s opening scene.
NB – Any similarities between the above paragraph and the script for The Simpsons Season 4 episode Homer’s Triple Bypass are purely coincidental.
Audrey – Etude in Black
Has anyone ever liked precocious, sassy child characters in anything? No, me neither,* which is why my gorge rises whenever Audrey is on screen in Etude in Black. The type to sarcastically pick fault in others and deliberately attempt to shame or embarrass a goodhearted detective in public, Audrey may be intelligent but she lacks the social niceties to endear her to viewers.
When push comes to shove, the prickly pre-teen can’t even help Columbo in his investigations, making her essentially useless, annoying baggage in the episode. As such, Audrey joins the likes of young Anakin Skywalker (The Phantom Menace), Scrappy Doo, Danny Torrance (The Shining), D.W. (Arthur), Kevin McAllister (Home Alone), Hermione Grainger, Rachel Ferrier (War of the Worlds) and Tim Murphy (Jurassic Park) in the Little Oiks Hall of Shame.
* Wednesday Adams excepted
Nick Frame and Lily Stanhope – Dagger of the Mind
These two come joined at the hip, so count as one, being two halves of the same self-obsessed walnut. The “ham and the tart” take buffoonery to outrageous heights as they blunder through attempt after attempt to conceal their involvement in the accidental killing of Sir Roger Haversham.
Whether it’s crocodile tears at a funeral, raving like a madman when collared or bickering like an old married couple, almost every second of screen time these boobies share seems designed to shepherd the viewer towards screaming aloud in frustration.
Roger Stanford – Short Fuse
A smirking, juvenile imp, Roger Stanford doesn’t appear to have realised that schoolboy pranks (e.g. spraying silly string in colleagues’ hair) were supposed to have been left in the classroom decades prior. He also seems oblivious to the fact that his idiotic japes are both inappropriate for the workplace and unbecoming of a supposed genius.
How a man so annoying was ever able to survive as long as Roger did without being slain by a schoolmate or co-worker is one of the greatest unanswered Columbo mysteries.
And the winner is…
Phyllis Brandt – Old Fashioned Murder
When comedy fainting appears in Columbo, you know the series has hot rock bottom and that’s very much the case with many aspects of Old Fashioned Murder.
A dog’s dinner of a production, the episode script was continually being tinkered with during filming, so whoever Oscar-winning actress Celeste Holm thought she had signed up to play was cast unceremoniously into the trash. Instead, Holm’s Phyllis Brandt became a shallow, narcissistic imbecile who single-handedly attempts to undo the women’s lib movement, while passing out at mere mention of the word ‘homicide’.
Not only a disgraceful waste of Holm’s talent, Phyllis’s antics do nothing but exasperate – to the extent that I’m longing for her to be assassinated mere seconds after meeting her. My hatred for Phyllis and everything she represents places her well ahead at the top of my rankings – surely the only list Old Fashioned Murder will ever have a 1st place in.
Honorable mentions
There are too many other irksome Columbo players to end things quite there. Here are a few others close to making the top 10…
Margaret Williams – Ransom for a Dead Man
A wronged party she may be, but young Margaret is still acutely peevish and petulant – plus she tries to clobber the Lieutenant when her scheming goes awry! Naughty girl…
Joe Devlin – The Conspirators
A beer and whisky guzzling, poetry-reciting, laugh-a-minute scamp, Joe Devlin is the sort of man folk either love or want to strangle. On the right day, he’d be a riot. On the wrong day, a holy nightmare.
Tricon receptionist – An Exercise in Fatality
The smiling, contemptuous face of 70s corporate culture, Tricon lady’s passive aggressive politeness in the face of a busy detective’s desperate drive for info sets this viewer’s teeth on edge.
Mac – Last Salute to the Commodore
He’s a drip. He’s not funny. He’s a rubbish detective. Thank goodness we never see hide nor hair of him (or his newly acquired fanboy raincoat) ever again.
Nadia Donner – A Deadly State of Mind
Fragile, overly dependent and replete with a raft of daddy issues, Nadia is absolutely not to be relied on in a tight spot – which is a shame because that’s exactly where Dr Collier leaves her after killing her husband.
Frances Galesko – Negative Reaction
Many a viewer considers Paul Galesko’s killing of nagging wife Frances to be justifiable homicide, such is the extent of her chiding and nagging in her few minutes’ screen time.
That’s all for now, folks. Do take a moment to share your thoughts on this subject in the comments section below. Who else might have warranted inclusion? And is there anyone on my list who would be nowhere near your own? If so, tell us why.
I gotta run now. I have a date with William Shatner’s colour-changing moustache in order to prep for my review of Butterfly in Shades of Grey. Keep sharing the Columbo love, and I’ll see you all again real soon…
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You forgot Lady in Waiting running the company…into the ground.
She was renovating the company… 😮
But Beth’s transformation was awesome and made the episode! I’m currently watching Double Shock on Sundance and I can’t get enough of Mrs. Peck. She was truly the arch enemy of Columbo, and she wasn’t even the murderer. Classic 70s television at it’s best!
Unique Mrs. Peck!
She would have been my #1 – all that shrill screaming!
I dont find audrey from etude in black annoying but i would easily put nadia donner from a deadly state of mind in there somewhere margaret from ransom would easily make my top ten and lilly la sanka
Really annoys me then im not a great fan of murder by the book in general i think its overrated
You don’t mention one of my most annoying characters….Harry Stone the amoral campaign manager in “Candidate for Crime”. In a scene-chewing 20 minutes he fulfills every worst trope you can come up with in politics, from demanding the candidate go love his wife to staging riots to gain votes. And while we’re at it, Linda Johnson playing around with the candidate while working for his wife is pretty sleazy.
But this is about the most annoying, not the most amoral. But still…
Great sakes in Ireland! How can you name Joe Devlin as annoying (even in Honorable Mention status)? I’ve always found Clive Revill’s turn to be among the top performances by a Columbo villain of all time. Revill is easily one of the most talented actors to have a part in the series – his complete range of acting, along with his superior musical abilities makes him such an enjoyment every time this episode comes up.
If you’re looking for the real annoyance in this episode, go straight to Columbo. His dopey, overly ‘poetic’/dramatic entrance where he blusters on about ‘the whole sky is going to light up and that’s going to be the end of the world’ is such a forced effort to match the true literary talents of Devlin as to be foolish. Columbo, as we’ve learned, is a quick learner, but how much poetry has he learned already? I don’t recall him ever being this melodramaticly metaphorical. He hasn’t even met Devlin and he’s trying to surpass his poetic talents.
The rest of the episode – one of my favorites – isn’t quite as bad, but I do have to wonder how Columbo knows so many limericks. Devlin, as Columbo says, ‘never runs out of them’, but yet it’s Columbo who delivers the last one (a perfect fit for Devlin’s situation). Is this evidence of Columbo’s ‘quick learning’ or simply a ploy to add this poetic component to our beloved detective in order for him to appear to be on equal literary footing with a world-renowned poet. I mean, while he does learn about the game, he doesn’t suddenly beat Emmit Clayton at chess in order to solve the case. He certainly picks up details about song recordings of Tommy Brown, but Columbo doesn’t record his own record and then arrest Brown. It just seems so forced to have Columbo be just as good as Devlin in the one area where Devlin is legitimately great.
Just my two cents. Another cool post – excellent for discussion!
I agree with your observations &, let’s not forget that Joanna Clay moved up to being a Senator in Silence of the Lambs. I also may be one of the only people that truly loves Dagger of the Mind and its 2 leads.
The Senator’s statement of “Take this thing back to Baltimore” is golden. I am another fan of “Dagger of the Mind”, stereotypes be damned! Nicky and especially Lily were fantastic. I had no idea that Basehart was a yank. Americans who poo-poo that episode are nothing but rabid Anglophobes.
I agree! Dagger of the Mind is a cool episode- 1972 London! London calling 🇬🇧I don’t understand why people criticize it so much. My favorite is Ransom for a Dead Man- 1971 awesomeness.
Happy 4th of July, everyone! 👍🙋🏻♂️🇺🇸
Ed the librarian
I really enjoy watching Ms Blackman and Mr Basehart chewing the scenery in “Dagger’; however, the character who really annoys me is the doorman/handyman. I’ve worked in theatre and no stage crew are that subservient and servile!
From what I’ve gathered from this blog, it’s not Americans who lead the charge against DOTM. British readers take the most offense (or is it “offence”?) at their stereotypic portrayal. I’m on record in the pro-DOTM camp (see my 2017 “second opinion”).
Diane Baker was quite beautiful in Alfred Hitchcock’s Marnie.
Sue, I’m with you. I too am a fan of Dagger of the Mind. I loved the theater setting and the banter of the leads. One of my least favorite people was that young detective whose voice lacked emotion, very monotone and annoying. I question if that actor was an actor.
Roddy’s character was grating, but I actually liked his performance. Roger is a young genius who is full of himself and never grew up. He’s also got clout in the company (And until his uncle backstabs him, he’s right) which allows him to play his “pranks” and get off scot-free. McDowall is very likable, so it was fun to see him play a character that wasn’t, and the gotcha is definitely intense.
I agree a fair amount with Joanna Clay, but like you said above, she knows what the role is and she goes for it. While she’s mostly cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs the entire episode, you have to give her props for when Columbo tracks her down and reveals Charles is dead as well. It’s raw, it’s emotional, and is enough to give goosebumps.
I’m never going to hate Nicholas Frame and Lillian Stanholpe, in part because I’m an amateur theater actor (Hopefully not nearly as hammy) and my name is Nick as well. What can I say, I get a thrill out of a Columbo character being an actor named Nick. Yes, they ham around, but that’s how some of us actors are. We’re always on. My long-suffering wife of nearly 10 years will attest to that. LOL.
Fun article & comments.
I just looked up Suzy from Bye-Bye Sky- High I Q Murder Case. Possibly a good addition to this list. She is the friend of the secretary George. Columbo falls on her at a disco (& she says she enjoyed it)& she comes across as a loony bird and tells Columbo that she likes the way he wears his hair.
Okay, I listed many of my top “annoyers” above, but if I had to pick one;
William Shatner in “Fade Into Murder”
I’ve come to realize that Shatner’s acting style is over-the-top like that in general.
But, for me, I can’t watch him in that episode; and ugghh…that episode has LOOONG scenes with him
I can tolerate him in “Butterflies,”….CP’s next review.
The Butterfly review will be posted this coming weekend. However, I much prefer Shatner in Fade in to Murder…
Almost all the characters from Last Salute were bad except Vaughn. The girlfriend and the other cops seemed like idiots, and it wasn’t Falk’s best episode either.
The “geniuses” in Sky-High IQ Murder were rather pathetic.
Roddy McDowall was not the best villain but not bad in context. Took out the tough, serious guys Gregory and Quincy all while kicking back with his lady in the disco.
Have to respectfully disagree with putting Joanna Clay (Diane Baker) on the list. First, the entire episode was horrible, even with the great cast. Second, her acting in that episode was awesome and very convincing. Third, Diane Baker was a certified hottie in her day. Like another Columbo character, Anne Francis, I adored both of these stellar goddesses, so I’m extremely biased.
Here’s a little trivia, sort of a 6 degrees separation of Columbo: Diane Baker and Nita Talbot, who played Marcia Dalton, Nurse Sharon Martin’s overly materialistic roommate on “A Stitch in Crime”, both appeared in a failed TV Series in 1973 called “Here We Go Again”, along with Larry Hagman and Dick Gautier.
Another bit of useless trivia.
https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/8/84/Here_We_Go_Again_%28TV_series%29.jpg
I’m with you regarding Diane, Anne and Nita! They were gorgeous back in the day. I would have liked seeing Nita in another episode of Columbo, maybe playing a killer like Trish Van Devere. Too bad it never happened.
Anne Francis’ beauty mark along those sparkling blue eyes get me every time.
I really enjoyed the all too few episodes of Mission:Impossible she appeared in.
Eyeing Anne Francis in “Honey West” was a weekly highlight of my formative years. Unfortunately, we saw Anne in just one “Mission” episode, “The Double Circle”, from Year 4, when they were rotating female operatives after the departure of Barbara Bain. Another one-timer was “Mind Over Mayhem”s Jessica Walter (“Orpheus”), and she or Francis would have been excellent Bain replacements. But they screwed it up by bringing in Leslie Ann Warren for Year 5, the worst “M:I” season.
I’ve nothing against Lesley Ann Warren’s portrayal as it was clear that, by Season 5, the producers still hadn’t figured out what to do with the lead female character after Bain’s departure. In Season 4, the role was, for the most part, underwritten, lessening any effort by Lee Meriwether, the most recurring among guest operatives. Nevertheless, I concur with your mention of Francis and Walter as noteworthy replacements. When Lynda Day George finally came on board, it was already too late.
Hugo, great to see another “M:I” fan here. Without wishing to hijack CP’s blog by going too far off-topic, I’ll only add that while nothing could match the Landau-Bain golden era, Years 6&7 with Lynda Day George at least righted the ship. (And I do think Warren was perfectly awful). My thoughts about the “Mission” revival in 1988 are even more harsh than my opinions about 90s Columbo. So, nothing personal New Columbo lovers, I’m an equal-opportunity cynic about classic TV reboots, especially of my favorite shows (ditto for “Twight Zone” and “The Prisoner”).
Wednesdays in the latish 60s were great – M:I followed by Star Trek (my parents brought us up to be great fans of both shows. When I was 10, I asked for the MI soundtrack LP for Xmas) – and the Bain/Landau years were among the best.
We were all quite excited about the movie, but were horrified by the ending, and I have refused to see any of the sequels.
It’s fun playing Spot the MI/Columbo guest star – Albert Paulson, William Shatner and Theodore Bikel spring immediately to mind.
“M:I” Team Members who also played “Columbo” killers: Martin Landau, Leonard Nimoy, Lee Grant (one episode, “The Diplomat”), Robert Conrad (very minor role, sparring partner for Barney in “The Contender”).
Dear Glenn, regarding Seasons 6 & 7 of M:I and using your own expression, I’d say “righted a rather rusty ship”. From recycled elements to ludicrous plots, the show was a shadow of its former self (Seasons 1-4) with a few partially redeeming entries.
There was a huge backlash when the studio sidelined Peter Lupus in favour of Sam Elliott. They saw the error of their ways and I think it coincides with the righting of the ship.
Season 1 can be overlooked because it precedes the Peter Graves years. However, it included my childhood favorite of all M:Is: “The Train” (S01E24) — co-starring Columbo vet William Windom (“Prescription: Murder”; “Short Fuse”).
Classic Woodfield plot/script. Too bad we can’t use that phrase for any of his “Columbo” eps.
Although it is apropos that he wrote the “viewing at a distance” illusion for “Guillotine.”
I couldn’t agree more, dear Glenn. Television at its most inventive and engaging.
“The Train” is one of my go-to episodes (much like “Friend in Need”) – I love the set up and the execution. Ditto “The Submarine” in season 4 (I think). The plot is similar but the execution is fascinating.
Sorry, the Packaged DOES absolutely deserve to be here, in more than one slot, even. And another omission is the whiny, annoying Valerie Kirk (Lainie Kazan) from “Make Me a Perfect Murder”. I just fast-forward through her overly-long scenes… as I do for good old Mrs. Peck. And the tuba.
I don’t find Captain Gibbon annoying. He asks for Columbo’s help and cooperates. Is he supposed to always be agreeable? I think he’s a reasonable character. As for Stanhope and Frame, I like them because I think they’re supposed to be over-the-top actors who believe everyone loves them and will accept their phony personas. The cold-cream jar murder is ridiculous, but the butler murder is truly evil and that contrasts with their cartoonish characterizations. Phyllis Brant, likewise is putting on an act. I’m not sure, but I think she opens an eye at one point to see if her theatrics are working. If not, I’m imagining it because it seems to me like it would be in character for her. I like the humor in that.
Rosanna Wells is annoying. Not only can she sing at volume with the mic pointed away from her (come on, Ben Gazzara), but she throws bald-mens’ glasses on the floor and walks away like they should thank her for it. If that’s not enough, Volare. Cathy Goodland is unreasonably defensive about her lifestyle to Columbo. I understand the character may have been judged harshly, but it’s annoying that she’s so defensive towards Columbo in every scene.
Actors that are annoying is another matter. The character of Margaret Williams doesn’t annoy me as much as Patricia Mattick’s shrill portrayal of her does. The same for Robert Walker Jr. as Neil Cahill. Just too passively confused about everything, including how to portray the character, until there’s a clear moment to cry out and be dramatic.
Nice to read this and the comments!
Beg to differ! Patricia Mattick did a fine job as Margaret Williams- she was only 19 at the time- I could mention a bunch of actors and their annoying characters-own the whole series -watched all the episodes- but I don’t like to criticize people- many are gone already…. Getting back to Ransom- She lost her mother and stepmother killed her dad- was she supposed to be calm and collected? This is a teenager playing a teenager …. Teenagers throw tantrums and aren’t the calmest of people- Tajebit from a former middle and high school teacher….She did a fine job- granted- not perfect- but she held her own with 2 much older and experienced actors…. 🙋🏻♂️
I feel the same for Audrey from Etude. Yes, she was sassy but she still tried her best to help Columbo. Plus, she was obviously upset at what happened to poor Chopin. Audrey was a precocious little girl much younger than Caroline or Margaret so I didn’t really mind her brattiness.
The look of fear and anger in her eyes when she tries to clobber Columbo is really convincing. As a Method actor, Falk must have been impressed !
I agree! Patricia Mattick did an excellent job as Margaret Williams. Maybe a little too temperamental- but she conveyed the frustration a teenager must have felt that her evil stepmom killed her dad and no one (until Columbo is convinced) believed her.
She lost her mother to an illness and now her dad is gone- an orphan at what- 17?
No one sees that angle…. Who will take care of her after Leslie gets arrested? Hope an aunt or an uncle- on her dad’s side of the family.
Having said this- her character could have been so much better developed- too unidimensional. I’m just a librarian- not a tv critic- but from the way she’s dressed to her relationships (none in LA) all her friends are in far away Switzerland- the character is far from well developed- a magnet for criticism….
The episode airs Saturday 7/2 @ 10 pm EST on Cozi tv, best regards,
Ed the librarian
Highly amusing article and great comments!
Thanks all.
Without going back and viewing all the 70s episodes, off the top of my head, the most annoying characters for me are:
Margerate Williams
the son in Mind Over Mayhem
Mrs. Peck
the drunk lady in Last Salute
the guy who gives Columbo a haircut
Lily La Sanka
Roddy M
Carsini’s secretary
the crazy guy in Publish or perish who lights bombs
Dick Van Dyke (yes, I said it!)
Donner
Schatner (yes, I said that, too!)
the crazy lady actress in Make Me a Perfect Murder
How about Goldy from Blueprint? Now she was annoying! I know, her lover was killed but talk about overbearing. Not to mention that she was getting waay too friendly with Columbo.
*blocks user from site for dissing Goldie*
CP, sorry but I was just messing around! At least Goldy got the satisfation of seeing the killer of her ex arrested. Still, she shouldn’t have planted the hat so she was lucky Columbo didn’t throw the book at her!
*rescinds user ban*
Whew! Thanks CP, I’ll try to play nice from now on…hehe
Goldies outfits and wigs are definitely over the top, but love her attitude. She was in her 50’s then, and still had great gams. If I was Columbo….never mind. Don’t even get me started on the Japanese masseuse!
Yep, Goldy definitely had sass. I should have known that nobody puts Goldy in a corner!
Oh yeah, I completely forgot about Kay Freestone’s oft-drunk “friend.” What a trainwreck of a character.
Yes Veronica wasn’t it? She had some problems for sure poor thing!
Greetings! Beg to differ- Margaret Williams from “Ransom” (Patricia Mattick) wasn’t an annoying character – how would you feel if you lost your mother and you are pretty sure evil stepmother killed your dad? Who would look after Margaret once lady lawyer goes to prison- or her legal troubles complicate their life? Maybe a little temperamental- but not annoying. I knew she was going to appear here, sooner or later….
Sergeant Hoffman from “Negative Reaction”. A wanna-be Authoritarian, and one of the endless New York transplants to grace the series set in Los Angeles.
1) He doesn’t know what Columbo looks like when he arrives at the junk yard murder scene? To be fair, I guess he could be located at an outlying annex, while Columbo offices downtown.
2) In this annex office, where Columbo clearly looks out of place, Hoffman tells him to get some sleep…and demandingly “GET A SHAVE!”. Last I heard, a Lieutenant outranks a Sgt.
3) Also in the office, he demands a cup of coffee be brought to him from another officer. In the real world, a fellow officer would tell Hoffman to….well, you can imagine what he would tell Hoffman, especially if it was another transplant with ‘attitude’ from the “big apple”.
4) At the motel where Alvin Deschler stayed, the tyrannical Hoffman somewhat threateningly tells someone out of site, “don’t go away, I’ll be back”. Again, that person would rightly have told him to perform various deviant acts upon himself.
Columbo himself was annoying many times during the show’s run, especially the latter episodes. No one is exempt from being annoying…even me, arguing so vociferously about Sgt. Hoffman.
This is as much about the annoying construct of the scene as anything else, and I realize I’m in the minority on this one, albeit it’s far down the list of annoying characters, but Jamie Lee Curtis in “BBSH…” always makes me wince. The unsanctioned donut is a clunky device, and while Curtis doesn’t have much to offer, the scowl as if we’re to believe this genuinely annoys her, to the extent of taking away Columbo’s previously purchased donut, is ridiculous.
I would give honorable mention to any of the geniuses in The Bye-Bye Sky High I.Q. Murder case not named Oliver Brandt. No small wonder that after he incriminates himself he seems relieved at the thought of never having to endure their boorishness again.
Everybody thinks they were idiots, but they do actually help–the two theories they offer are close to the truth and suffer only by overlooking a crucial detail. It’s up to our man Columbo to piece them together.
Sergeant Wilson, smug and a crawler.
Annoying characters must be subdivided into two very separate groups. Group one: those who are supposed to be annoying. Group two: those who were never intended to be annoying but are. With two exceptions, I believe that CP’s selections quite properly focus on the latter group only. The most notable exception is the last (and for this reason, hopefully least) honorable mention: Frances Galesko. She’s clearly in the former category. Frances is exactly the person she was designed to be. It would be an entirely different story if she’d been a pleasant, charming person. (For the same reason, I wouldn’t put Edna Brown on this list. There is no “Swan Song” with a warm and fuzzy Edna Brown.)
My other exception is Margaret Williams — because I believe that (a) Margaret’s obnoxiousness was essential to Leslie’s final undoing; and (b) the entire keys scene between Columbo, Margaret, and Leslie — the pinnacle of the annoying Margaret — was prearranged with Columbo to start convincing Leslie that keeping Margaret around wasn’t a good idea.
But the others all could have had their annoying features eliminated without changing any plot element in the episode. That’s true of Stanhope and Frame. The tone of “Dagger of the Mind” would have been very different (less amusing, in my view), but the story could have stayed the same. And Nadia Donner could have remained someone in need of psychotherapy and susceptible to hypnotic suggestion without being a total emotional cripple.
I have to say I didn’t find Margaret Williams obnoxious – as it was basically targeted at Leslie. She was also quite charming and witty, “But it’s difficult – because I’m so Sick!” And telling Columbo to take stuff more seriously – instead of his chilli and crackers !
And let’s not forget that in “convincing Leslie that keeping Margaret around wasn’t a good idea” she was very much risking her life. Blackmailing a murderer has gotten multiple side characters killed, and I honestly didn’t expect her to live through the night – and I was really bothered that Columbo would encourage a civilian to put herself in danger like that.
Thank you for bringing this up. I know many people glamorize the lady lawyer- but she could have disappeared the stepdaughter- she was “a thorn on her side.” If she killed her dad- what’s stopping her from killing the girl? And Leslie is strong- she carried and disposed of a 6 foot, 180 lbs man (the dead body) all by herself…. Columbo sure did a bunch of risky stuff/ borderline illegal actions on this one…
Brilliant article and so funny! Thanks for the much needed laughs. Your captions had me crying with laughter, particularly the thought of Ruth and Phyllis fighting to the death in a gladiator arena. Bravo!!!
How can a list of annoying characters NOT include Edna Brown? For shame. She gives Francis Galasko a run for her money. I can’t agree with you on Nadia Donner. She’s a psychologically damaged basket case who could barely function so her annoying traits can’t be held against her. I’d replace her with Joanne Nichols from “How To Dial”.
I wouldn’t describe Edna as annoying – more downright evil. That’s why she tops this alternate list… https://columbophile.com/2016/03/06/devils-in-disguise-did-these-columbo-victims-have-it-coming/
Edna may have been awful but Tommy Brown was truly evil. Not only was he a ruthless killer but a shameless sex predator. God only knows how many more lives he would have ruined if our fave detective didn’t catch him!
Edna was more evil than Tommy Brown because she was concealing his crime for financial gain, just like Jesse Jerome in Now You See Him.
Indeed! Excepting Dr. Mayfield, Edna is the most vile creation in the Columbo universe.
CP, great article! but you forgot the worst one of the entire series:
Shera Danese
She’d definitely feature in an 80s/90s version of this list, multiple times. She was decent enough in the 70s. I thought she was very good in Murder Under Glass.
CP, I do agree she wasn’t so bad in that episode. But as many here have already mentioned, Shera just wasn’t a very good actress. Easy on the eyes of course, but that’s all. Still, she was the real Mrs. Colombo so hats off to her delicious chili!
Her feeble acting skillz are probably most clearly shown in Murder A Self Portrait, when she argues with the live-in model/lover. It’s pure am-dram from both actresses. Shera also has some dire moments in Rock Star.
And also a trace of murder
Which was otherwiseva half decent new one
Not sure if I have the same definition of irritating here, but when I think of irritating, I think of having to change the channel or turn TV off rather than watch. That being the case, I would not call any of these characters irritating. Far from it in most cases. However, Roger Stanford would be on my list. Or is it Roddy McDowall I don’t care for? I would agree with Frances Galesko as one of the most unsympathetic murder victims. But then, Paul Galesko seems like a guy who deserves to have a wife like her. Do you think they did that just so we would be able to take perpetual nice guy Dick Van Dyke being cast as such a heel for a murderer? I would add Neil Cahill from Mind over Mayhem to the list. (Or is it just Luke Walker I don’t care for?) I would also have to add the character of good ol’ Joe, from Dagger of the Mind, to the list. Fortunately there’s not too much of him for me to put up with in that episode.
I have to sarcastically add Gretchen Corbett to the list, in Exercise in Fatality. ANNOYING because I find myself rewinding her scene so many times that it takes forever for me to get through the episode!
Nick and Lily were annoying in “Dagger of the Mind”. But I also thought they were funny and amusing. I enjoyed reading the list. Thanks!
This one is a no-brainer for me as my utter contempt for these two characters has been boundless from the first moment: Phyllis Brandt and Frances Galesko. I bet they were best friends.
10 points for the brother and sister Chadwick in Lady in Waiting,
and 8 for the mother-in-law Margaret Midas in Playback.
not to forget Columbo himself in Identity Crisis (the scene at the bar)
Like Edna Brown in Swan Song, I’d say Bryce Chadwick is much more wicked, maybe even evil, than annoying. Almost every line he has is used to put down his sister, making her life a living hell. One of the Columbo victims I least felt sorry for.
Kudos for such an inspired list! Phyllis Brandt finally gets her due. The inclusion of Mac, my next-to-least favorite of any colleague, is much appreciated, as he is quite the annoying drip. But the designation of most annoying (obviously IMO) is Detective Doyle from “A Friend in Deed.” He’s only briefly in the scenes surrounding the deaths of Janis Caldwell and Margaret Halperin, but everything he says is off-putting (“Good looking broad except for the marks around her neck”…”She had to be a hero”…”Who knows, maybe she couldn’t swim”, etc.) up to his questioning of the volunteer at Holcomb House. Even his aggressive “Yeah! Yeah!” when being called away from the scene is worthy of eye rolling.
I would add that “his questioning of the volunteer at Holcomb House” is a somewhat benign description of Doyle’s behavior. That was incipient racial harassment of someone who was simply volunteering while black. Columbo recognizes this and cuts Doyle off at the knees before it gets any uglier.
Indeed. I just didn’t want to get soap-boxish within this thread.
Racists, sexist, an all-round loathsome piece of work that needed to be taken out the back and shown the error of his ways.
Delightful article. I was going to suggest that omitting all potential entries from Last Salute would have allowed room for a few more lesser-known irritants, but the classic Simpsons reference applied to Swanny justifies the lot. Well played good sir.
Is it only Mr. Ken Franklin and me, who feel annoyed by the intrusive presence of Lilly La Sanka, or why hasn’t anyone mentioned her yet?
And the repulsive Edna Brown might have deserved a side note as well.
Lilly La Sanka, #1 in my book!!!
I can see how Ken would find Lily annoying, but I think she’s rather nice (in a kooky way).
To me, Lily La Sanka was more of a sad, lonely character than an annoying one.
Jon, I agree. I felt sorry for Lily, even if she was willing to be an accomplice. With her lonely life it’s no wonder why she was so easily manipulated. What she needed was a good man to take care of her but unfortunately she met the wrong one.
That’s the reason why Old-Fashioned Murder doesn’t work… You just can’t believe Joyce van Patten decides to kill two people and Phyllis is neither of them!
Plus-plus comment, Kovacs.
Valerie Kirk (Lainie Kazan) in Make Me a Perfect Murder qualifies for annoying in my book. But Kay Freestone shows her patient and empathetic side with her. What do you think?
Valerie is annoying its a sub plot that dampens a very good episode i love kay freestone though one of my favorite killers
In terms of irritation factor, how about Joanna Ferris (wife/widow of Jim) in Murder by The Book ?
She just seems completely weak and anodyne – Columbo has to push her into prosecuting the case. Heck, he even does the cooking in her kitchen !
I don’t agree. I really don’t agree. Remember her husband has been killed.
Is it possible that I’m the only one here who considers Patrick McGoohan’s Nelson Brenner (“Identity Crisis”) a ceaselessly grating annoyance? He would definitely top my list. Whether it’s his general haughtiness, his chalkboard scratching “I knowww,” or his goofy (and inexplicable) Steinmetz alter ego, Brenner is a pain from end to end. At least Phyllis Brandt was out cold most of the time. Brenner would have been well served by similar stretches of unconsciousness.
I used to feel that way about Nelson Brenner some years earlier. I thought, why can’t Patrick McGoohan deliver his text like every serious Columbo villain can? Meanwhile, don’t ask me why, McGoohan’s way of presenting the lines and cooperating with Peter Falk on a “Let’s-demonstrate-the-chemistry-between-us-buddies” basis does highlight “Identity Crisis” in my book.
I remind you that Nelson Brenner has friends in high places. So, I implore you–don’t harass him.
He clearly has as much to hide from those “friends in high places” as anyone. His only truly loyal friend is Steinmetz.
Miss Brady in “By Dawn’s Early Light” and Mrs. Peck in “Double Shock”.
My most hated character is Anne Francis’s Valerie Bishop in Short Fuse. I loved her in Stitch in Crime but with her squinty eyes and whiny pathetic voice and the way she acts towards Roger…. Ugh. I don’t care for Short Fuse because of her!
CP won’t mention Mrs. Peck, so I’ll do it here. She’s rude, overly fastidious, and pig-headed. A scene or two of her would have been amusing. As it is, she’s an exasperating running gag throughout. Just do your cleaning, lady, and let Columbo do his job!
Kathy Goodland, “Greenhouse Jungle”: I can appreciate her feminist stance as a strong character who has made confident choices without regret. But just live your lifestyle, lady, and let Columbo do his job!
Mrs. Chadwick, “Lady In Waiting”: Her oblivious condescending snobbery in her opening scene is admittedly quite funny – but that doesn’t mean she can’t be annoying. Just carry your own bags, lady, and let Columbo do his job!
Jason Danzinger, “BBSHIQMC”: His numbskull theory of Bertie’s murder immediately disqualifies him from Mensa presidency. Stop talking, Jason, and let….well, you get the idea.
But the most irritating character of the 70s: That guy who calls himself Columbo in “Last Salute to the Commodore”. Stop yelling and touching me, you weird dirty-raincoat man!
[And while we wouldn’t actually see “Mac” again, Peter Falk must have liked the actor who plays him, Dennis Dugan, because he’s back as director in “Butterfly in Shades of Grey”. Dugan’s become a prolific movie and TV director, from “NYPD Blue” to “Moonlighting” to a boatload of Adam Sandler films.]
Have to agree about Mrs Peck. It’s not just the character, but the whole gag goes completely flat – which is unusual in classic era Columbo.
Ahh, Mrs. Peck. Probably the only non-killer character that was most annoyed by Columbo. The late great Jeanette Nolan was a wonderful actress, even more accomplished than Ruth Gordon in my view. Where ever you are Mrs. Peck, I hope your color TV never fades!
Thank you for a laugh out loud post! I enjoyed it so much, it made my #1 Columbophile post! 😂 But I have to say that I am always entertained by Joe Devlin’s quirky manner!
Caroline and Jason Danziger in what was otherwise an A-tier episode, and the kid in “Mind over Mayhem.” Amazing, though, how “Last Salute” contained so many annoying characters. McGoohan, I conclude, was a greater actor than director.
The number of annoying characters in the later Columbos is astounding, but the guy singing “He’s a jolly good undertaker” in Ashes to Ashes would come pretty close to the top of the list, as would the gardener caricature in Bird in the Hand. And those weren’t the worst of the new Columbos for sure…
As for great characters, just watched Negative Reaction. Interesting to see Joyce Van Patten, who starred in an excellent two-parter Rockford episode as well, and Dick Van Dyke, who starred in a hilarious detective episode of The Jack Benny Program. Van Dyke plays the murderer and the victim because Benny is “too cheap to hire actors.”
For me, the top six Columbos thus far (watching many of them for a second time) are Any Old Port in a Storm, Swan Song, Death Lends a Hand, Negative Reaction, A Stitch in Crime, and Now You See Him.
A list of the most annoying Columbo characters from the 89-03 years could never be contained to 10, but that singing undertaker guy would be somewhere on the list. However, gardener Fernando from Bird in the Hand was a lovely, lovely man! He’s one of my favourite supporting characters from the ABC years. He doesn’t annoy me one iota. Harold McCain on the other hand…
PS – I adore Jason Danziger from ‘Bye-Bye’!
Margaret Williams is my number one choice! Her whining makes me mute the TV. I’d place Tricon lady above the book store clerk too, but find them both very annoying. The guy that eats his lunch instead of helping Columbo in Blueprint for Murder gets on my goat as well.
I cut that guy some slack because he thoroughly deserved a quiet feed after dealing with so many punters all morning.
Definitely. Getting to eat your lunch on time must be essential to be able to do his job.
Agree with your assessment of Joe Devlin. He tries so hard to appear charming and witty that he come off as phony even before we learn he is a phony.
As for Joanna Clay and Nadia Donner, I’m inclined to give them the benefit of the doubt and conclude they were victimized by those around them into self-destructive behavior, not that it was in their characters.
I have to stand up for the Tricon receptionist (Exercise in Fatality) : A great comic scene – and beautifully played “straight man” role by the actress – particularly as Peter Falk wasn’t even on set at the time.
I have no problems with the caliber of the acting – just the snootiness of the character! Ann Coleman does a splendid job.
It was presumably a satire on corporate bureaucracy/technocracy – just as the Blueprint interminable queueing scene was a satire on public sector inefficiency. In my view, both work wonderfully well.
Way back in the 70s when I was a uni student, computer coding was done via coding sheets which were handed into the computer centre to be typed up. A few days later you would, hopefully, receive a bundle of punched cards (unless you have made a mistake with your coding and all you’d get was a look of disdain). The ladies who ran the computer centre were terrifying.
Yes, funny looking back isn’t it. There was the “typing pool” also in large public service departments.
Tricon lady was terrific!
These must have been difficult to pick! At least it would have been for me, since there are so many variations of annoying. My top pick would be Joanna Clay, also one of your top 10 picks. Like you I’m in serious doubt how much of the annoyance was intended, because for the life of me I can’t figure out whether acting out the character this way was intended or not.
My other top 5 picks would be:
Margaret Williams, because of poor acting. If she had been played by a capable actress, then Ransom for a dead man could have been a top 10 episode for me.
Nadia Donner. Here Lesley Ann Warren does a terrific job. Nadia is very hard to watch, but I feel that’s exactly what she’s meant to. Her jump from the balcony is a terrible thing to happen, but at least we don’t hear her gasp or cry out anymore.
And the other two would be from Last Salute, like Joanna Clay, Mac and Swanny, for the reasons you already mentioned. Last Salute surely must be episode featuring the worst cast of all, even with Robert Vaughn doing a fine job.
I can see why you picked Phyliss Brandt, but I enjoy every scene she’s in so much (‘No, I have to be strong.’) that I just couldn’t.
But Captain Gibson, really? I think he’s a perfect counteract to Columbo, steady, structured and damn well proud of his ship – not a boat. But then I have a weak spot for Patrick Macnee since watching The Avengers.
And Joe Devlin (as an honourable mention) is someone I could spend night after night drinking whiskey and discussing poetry with.
Genuinely flummoxed about Margaret Williams (Patricia Mattick) even making this list – let alone being a top pick ! I still think it was a top performance, while the memorable and believable character never irritates me at all.
Ha, you’re surprising me with this comment! Fair enough though, all’s in the eye of the beholder I guess.
I too disagree about Margaret, and I’ve often wondered if the confrontation over the keys was staged. Something occurred to me once that explained the character: Margaret is essentially a younger version of her father. He has only one line in the episode, but he is described later as humorless, inflexible prig.
I love the bookstore clerk in Conspirators. A very recognizable and empathetic person.
My feelings towards her might be clouded by that whole scene being one of the series’ most heavy-handed attempts at playing it for laughs up to that point. ‘New Columbo’ was stuffed with this type of silliness, but the humour was generally a bit more subtle in the 70s.
me too
I think this character and scene were copied from The Big Sleep (Bogart and Dorothy Maguire) – consequently, it comes over as pastiche.
Interesting, I don’t remember that scene in the Big Sleep. Could you maybe post a link?
Sorry, that’s beyond my technical level. It’s quite a strange scene, which I don’t think was in Chandler’s original book.
In Big Sleep, Bogie goes to a low-rent bookstore for information and to hide out while spying on the faux rare bookstore across the street. He and Maguire engage in some highly amusing pitter patter (which leads to some heavily implied hanky panky). Wonderful scene, and I agree that Columbo was sending it up a bit.